Finding Your Soul: The Journey Beyond Ego

Pay close attention next time a friend or loved one goes through a crisis — especially if their ego is being threatened. Maybe your cousin is a D-1 athlete with a devastating injury. Or perhaps your best friend is a successful businesswoman facing total collapse of their life’s work. It could even be an uncle whose wife just packed up the kids and left. Watch what comes next. In these moments, you’ll find predictable responses depending on how much of the person’s identity is under attack, and you’ll be able to use this knowledge when it’s your moment of crisis — because it comes for all of us.

If what’s under attack isn’t a core layer of identity, then your friend might wobble a little, get depressed, and ultimately shake it off. This happened to me after high school sports. In high school, I was a big fish in a small pond — it wasn’t even a pond, more like an aquarium. I went to a pond for college, and even there, there were bigger fish. I’d survived on hustle through high school, but the college athletes were gym rats with serious athleticism, plus they hustled. Confronted with this reality, I realized that I could reinvent myself as a rugby player, where I could still be considered an athlete as long as I didn’t mind wearing short shorts and enduring 80 minutes of shoving my head between the hips and thighs of a sweaty New Zealander. Eventually, being known as an athlete faded away.

But what happens when your core layer of identity is publicly eviscerated? Then, you are really in for a show. In today’s world, we are seeing this at an increasing pace. The availability of information makes it more and more difficult for people to keep the secrets upon which their personas are based. It’s important to note that for most of us, an attack on our ego elicits a response indistinguishable from an attack on our person, because most of us can’t tell them apart.

There are a few common responses to a public ego beatdown:

1. Shock: The event that precipitates identity loss is often unexpected. No one expects to get mugged, and similarly, no one expects to have their identity publicly flogged. Occasionally, the shock is so severe it overloads the system, leading the person to crack. This is when we witness nervous breakdowns, bouts of chronic depression, and alcohol- and drug-fueled benders. In extreme cases, it might even result in suicide.
2. Defense: The other type of drastic action is to attack the perceived threat. This response is particularly dangerous if you’re in a relationship where you are the perceived threat. Sometimes, the threatened ego maniac targets their accuser or the situation leading to their exposure. Other times, if their core persona is beyond salvaging, they create a new character — a noble crusader or a hyper-religious figure — allowing them to navigate life while dodging uncomfortable feelings.
3. Evolve: This is the rarest response because it requires enduring pain for extended periods. These unique individuals confront the discomfort head-on, looking down at the cicada shell of their former selves on the ground. They take a good, hard look before acting, asking themselves, “If I am not this, then what am I?” The, they let that question simmer. Sometimes, this may require surviving multiple rounds of ego attacks. Only after acknowledging the character, they’ve been playing for what it truly is, do they begin the process of living as their true self.

Let’s delve into how some of these responses to identity crises might manifest. Back in high school, I experienced a full-frontal assault on all my layers of self at once. My perceptions of being a son, a Christian, a brother, a good guy — everything was obliterated. My immediate response was shock and depression. For the better part of ten years, I wandered through life in a daze, adrift in a sea of lost identity with no land in sight. In the Evangelical community I grew up in, your identity was intricately tied to our religious beliefs. There were no books on soul work that weren’t considered “New Age” and off limits. Without instruction, I was lost, with no one to guide me to understand who I was beneath it all.

We’ve all heard stories of extreme reactions to ego death. Bankers leaping from high-rise buildings after a financial meltdown, children taking their own lives after not living up to parental expectations. When an event seemingly exposes them as failures, some people can’t fathom continuing without their former identities, opting for the nuclear option, dying without ever knowing who they truly were.

Assuming a defensive stance was something I experienced in my 30s. To avoid the discomfort of being adrift, I’d crafted a new identity entwined with a new career. I had set lofty goals for myself and molded a persona to match. For a decade, I was like a method actor in the business world, utterly convinced that my identity was that of a successful businessman. When my ventures began to fail and accusations of wrongdoing surfaced, I defended my persona fiercely. I began authoring a book defending my actions (it was utterly unreadable) and launched counterattacks against my accusers.

This “go after the accuser” defense tactic is all too common. Consider the tragic stories of domestic violence escalating to deadly outcomes. Families often construct walls to hide their darkest secrets — lies, abuse, infidelity, gambling. But when someone dares to file for divorce, revealing cracks in this facade, they’re marked as the enemy. The egomaniac’s first response is denial and gaslighting, claiming the accuser is crazy. This can be effective when the public is oblivious to the family’s internal strife. If that fails, they escalate their attacks, threatening legal action or enacting violence.

We’re witnessing similar patterns on a national scale, with celebrities and political figures facing public accusations. This can create extremely dangerous situations. I’m writing a Substack about my childhood growing up next door to a dictator who murdered 15 of his political rivals when his ego was publicly threatened. Be very wary of powerful men whose egos are threatened. Observing their reactions offers insightful glimpses into the extent they may go to preserve the public perception of their ego.

Finally, there’s the path of evolution. It took me three decades to stumble upon this resolution. My ego had to be forcibly pried, as Charlton Heston once said, “from my cold, dead hands.” I had endured depression and defended my fabricated identity to the point of exhaustion. Only after a year of complete inactivity, allowing the destruction I had caused to settle, was I ready for this step.

My prolonged struggle stemmed from dodging the pain and not fully grasping what needed to be done. I had lost my innocence, my dreams, and almost lost my family — essentially, everything that mattered to me. This was the direct result of my resistance to change. Every step along this journey presented me with a chance to discard the outdated parts of my ego and to meet my true self. The real challenge I faced at every juncture was the difficulty in letting go of past memories or the allure of a future dream. The issue was seldom about the present moment.

That all might come off as quite philosophical, so let’s break it down into simple terms to give you a concrete reason to live and lean into life’s difficulties. What I’ve come to realize is that I was never truly any of those identities I clung to. To paraphrase the Book of Job, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return.” Being an athlete, a musician, or successful entrepreneur — are the ego equivalent to wearing a letterman’s jacket, carrying a ukulele in the airport, or donning your best power suit. Who we are is what remains when you strip away all those labels — it’s our consciousness. That’s the essence of our soul. That’s our true self.

And this true self came to Earth for a reason — to live through a specific set of experiences at a specific place in time. In my case, to have a “Matthew” experience. So, when Matthew doesn’t make the college team, or his business fails, or he hits the lowest of lows, it’s all part of the soul undergoing a “Matthew” experience. We’re here to learn, but it’s easy forget what game we’re playing, and we fall asleep into our character and its drama. The soul’s ultimate goal — evolution — feels like growth because of our experience of time. Our consciousness, our awareness, our soul, expands when faced with questions. And questions tend to arise more frequently in tough situations, leading to even more questions.

Our duty, as a soul having a human experience, is to locate our invisible path by embracing these difficult experiences and peeling back the layers. We’re living through some of the most challenging times in human history, times filled with the highest stakes and a relentless flow of questions. Yet, in this, lies an unprecedented chance for transformation. The interesting part is that growing our souls inevitably impacts others. As our light grows, it dispels the darkness, serving as the ultimate remedy for these tough times. Your work is THE work.

So, the next time you or someone you care about is caught in an existential crisis, pause. Pay close attention. Initially, there’s shock, followed by a decision: either defend the persona you’ve built or let it go. If you chose the latter, you will meet your true self, accept your destiny as a soul on a human journey and begin the great work you came here to do. Bon voyage!